War is Shell: Turtle flies through windshield, hitting Florida woman

Lake Mary, Florida — Reports from central Florida are showing that a minor turtle insurrection is in full swing, with the first shots of the conflict being fired by the turtles near Port Orange.

An innocent human woman and her human mother were driving along I-95 Wednesday morning when all of a sudden they came under fire from the shelled menace.

“Something just came through the windshield and hit my mom in the head!” she cried to the 911 operator.

“A turtle?” the dispatcher replied incredulously, though she knew this day would come.

“A turtle!” cried the caller. “An actual turtle.”

Fortunately, the two managed to escape with their lives when emergency services swooped in for an evacuation.

The mother sustained minor injuries to the head as a result of the shelling.

An act of turtle-on-human violence of this scale has not been seen in Volusia County since the famous Bjanes incident of 2016.

Spokesperson with the Florida Highway Patrol, Lt. Kim Montes, attempted to ease tensions between the two factions, saying “Try not to panic! It’s easier said than done because it’s surprising when it happens, and then go from there and call 911.”


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